Spring Break
Satire: Slasher hired as solution to parking dilemma
Catherine Felegi
Issue date: 10/9/08 Section: Arts & Culture
On Sept. 14, Moravian College hired local slasher Joe McKinnlin to help regulate the amount of cars parking on the campus.
Their reasoning, they explained, was because of the superfluous amount of people parking on campus this semester.
In order to help cut down on parking, McKinnlin will be traveling around the parking lots at random performing muggings, slashing tires and keying cars in hopes that students will be discouraged and not bring their cars on campus anymore.
"This job is awesome!" McKinnlin said. "They give me health benefits, I get to keep all the loot and I can't get in trouble!"
"The only thing that sucks is that only 60 percent of my bones are insured," he explains. "If that kid get 61 percent of my bones broken, it's coming out of my pocket. But that's insurance these days, right?"
McKinnlin gets paid set amounts depending upon the job he performs.
"Muggings are $50 since they require face-to-face contact," he said. "Tire slashing and keying is $25, but if a student pays me to not key their car or to slash the tires on that Republican's car over there, I might be swayed."
Moravian College plans on raising the prices at the Blue and Grey Café an additional 50 cents in order to help pay off the new slasher who will be roaming around campus.
"This is absolutely outrageous! How could Moravian even think about doing such a thing? I mean, honestly," said Mark Smith, '11, after finding out that the slasher chose his car to be his first victim. "Muhlenberg Rocks!" was keyed very methodically into the car with a mule, the Muhlenberg mascot, carved on the other side.
"Well, even though I don't agree with it, it has worked," Sandra Johnson, '09, said as she handed in her parking permit to the Campus Police. "My car tires were slashed and that was a hefty price. When I complained to Campus Safety, they said it was out of their hands."
"You see, the key is to have a really shitty car," McKinnlin states. "If you have an old, beat-up Volvo or some rusty 1985 Honda Civic, then I'm probably not going to touch you because I think, 'Hey, that kid paid for that car themselves.' But if you give me a brand new Mercedes or a Volkswagen Beetle, those tires are going down!"
McKinnlin also spoke to the college about getting his two children into college for free once they come of age. As of now, the college is talking to him about the details.
Meanwhile, if anyone would like to "do business" with McKinnlin concerning some extra protection, please feel free to call 610-PROTECT-ME between the hours of midnight and dawn.
Their reasoning, they explained, was because of the superfluous amount of people parking on campus this semester.
In order to help cut down on parking, McKinnlin will be traveling around the parking lots at random performing muggings, slashing tires and keying cars in hopes that students will be discouraged and not bring their cars on campus anymore.
"This job is awesome!" McKinnlin said. "They give me health benefits, I get to keep all the loot and I can't get in trouble!"
"The only thing that sucks is that only 60 percent of my bones are insured," he explains. "If that kid get 61 percent of my bones broken, it's coming out of my pocket. But that's insurance these days, right?"
McKinnlin gets paid set amounts depending upon the job he performs.
"Muggings are $50 since they require face-to-face contact," he said. "Tire slashing and keying is $25, but if a student pays me to not key their car or to slash the tires on that Republican's car over there, I might be swayed."
Moravian College plans on raising the prices at the Blue and Grey Café an additional 50 cents in order to help pay off the new slasher who will be roaming around campus.
"This is absolutely outrageous! How could Moravian even think about doing such a thing? I mean, honestly," said Mark Smith, '11, after finding out that the slasher chose his car to be his first victim. "Muhlenberg Rocks!" was keyed very methodically into the car with a mule, the Muhlenberg mascot, carved on the other side.
"Well, even though I don't agree with it, it has worked," Sandra Johnson, '09, said as she handed in her parking permit to the Campus Police. "My car tires were slashed and that was a hefty price. When I complained to Campus Safety, they said it was out of their hands."
"You see, the key is to have a really shitty car," McKinnlin states. "If you have an old, beat-up Volvo or some rusty 1985 Honda Civic, then I'm probably not going to touch you because I think, 'Hey, that kid paid for that car themselves.' But if you give me a brand new Mercedes or a Volkswagen Beetle, those tires are going down!"
McKinnlin also spoke to the college about getting his two children into college for free once they come of age. As of now, the college is talking to him about the details.
Meanwhile, if anyone would like to "do business" with McKinnlin concerning some extra protection, please feel free to call 610-PROTECT-ME between the hours of midnight and dawn.
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